Feels Like Chaos

Forgiveness...

2009-05-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

My husband, David, and I have been doing a weekly Bible Study together. It is based on the movie Fireproof. It gives us some time to spend together. And it helps me open up. Well, a little I guess. I still am not too forthcoming with intimate things and some weeks I stay shut down. But....

The subject we talked about last night was forgiveness. It was kinda hard. Even though I already knew it, it was hard to hear David tell me that he has to CHOOSE to forgive me daily and that sometimes it is really hard. I have put him through so much over the past couple of years. I am just so happy he decided to stick with me that I sometimes forget how hard all of that was on him. And still is. I don't think he trusts me completely yet. Which I can't say I don't blame him for that. I lied to and manipulated him alot when I was "sick"---that's his word for it! So hearing him say that last night HURT! Funny thing is, I was not mad at him, I was mad at me!!! If I were my old self, I would have cut myself or found some way to hurt me. And don't think I didn't think about doing that last night 'cause I did! I had an overwhelming urge to do something destructive. Of course I didn't tell David. I told him I was going to stay up and read and he stayed up with me. Then I got tired and fell asleep! So I did not harm myself, but I am still angry at myself. I have no problem forgiving others...for the most part. There are still some deep-seated issues that I haven't gotten over and I don't know if I've really forgiven the people involved. But for the most part, I forgive fairly easily. Except when it comes to myself! I know me and I KNOW I can be better, do better, etc. I know when I do "bad" things that I really knew they were wrong when I did them. I allow myself no excuses for the wrongs I commit. Sometimes I can't stand myself. Sometimes I HATE myself. That's why I used to cut. It was a way for me to punish myself and it also relieved my anger. I don't cut or harm myself now, although like I said I still do have urges to sometimes. People think you are a freak when you hurt yourself. I think it is just a way of showing people how you feel. Because sometimes you just don't know how to say it. I think that's always been an issue for me.

Anyway, now when I get angry with myself I suppress it. I know, I know. That is the WORST possible thing to do. So...what should I do when that happens? What do other people do?? How do you begin to forgive yourself for things so horrible you can't stand yourself when you think about it??

People Pleaser...

2009-05-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

I admit it, I am a people pleaser. It makes me happy when I please people. Sometimes that is not a bad thing. Actually in moderation, I think it is a good trait to have. But I go overboard with it! To the point that I get overwhelmed and depressed!

Why do I feel the need to please people....I think because I HATE anyone to be mad at me! Anger SCARES me! My own anger, which I guess is why I supress it, but mostly other people's anger. I think alot of it has to do with my childhood. I try not to dwell on the past, but it did affect who I have become. My mom and dad never physically hurt me, but my mom yelled ALOT! And sometimes when she wasn't herself (because she had her own issues she was struggling with), she would say mean things. I knew that she was struggling and I didn't want to make things worse so I hid my feelings and tried to do anything and everything to plesase her. And, when I was 9-10 years old, a neighbor---my best friend's mom's boyfriend---started to sexually assault me. And when I cried or didn't do what he wanted, he would beat me. And I could see the anger in his face. I cringe even now when I see that look on anyone's face. In order not to make him mad, I suppressed my feelings (that was a theme with me huh?!) and did whatever he wanted just to keep him happy.

The abuse stopped after about 1 1/2 years and when I was 15 my mom got help for her problems and things were much better. But I was so used to suppressing my feelings and pleasing people, that's what I did. I felt that in order to have any self-worth, I had to have boys like me. So I did whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, from the age of 12 until I was 18 I did things with boys that make me sick just thinking about them! And it wasn't just boys, sometimes it was men.

I say all of that not to dwell on it or make people feel sorry for me, I say that because this is a pattern in my life that still has a very strong hold on me! I don't want people to be mad at me! I want people to like me! I will forgo my own wants and comfort to please people. I think deep down inside it angers me. So that is part of the reason I struggle with depression.

I recently have been seeing a counselor, a lady from my church, who has been helping me find truth in order to set me free from all this junk. However, I just a few days ago realized that I had fallen into that trap with her...I was trying to please her by saying what I think she wanted to hear and doing what she told me to do. God was no where in it for me. So, I have broken off that aspect of our relationship...maybe our whole relationship, I don't know. The thing is, I try to please everyone around me and make God last. So...am I supposed to break off all my relationships? The intimate ones anyway. Maybe I should not have an emotionally intimate relationship with ANYWAY until I get this fixed....I am tired of saying what I think people want to hear and doing what I think will make them happy....but I can't get passed the need to please....maybe I need to learn how to please myself....Isolation isn't good but neither is this.

Depression

2009-05-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

Ok, I haven't done this in a while, but this is my new source of therapy. Well, this and Farm Town on Facebook...ha! Seriously, as some of you know I struggle with depression. And I really hate it because I have an awesome life....best hubby and kids EVER, job that I totally love, and even though sometimes He seems far away, I know God loves me.

So why the depression? I think two reasons. One being that I have had some traumatic things happen to me in my life and I am still coming to terms with them. And secondly, I think the chemicals in my brain are off. I say that because I am now on two antidepressants and they are working!! I don't feel like a zombie, actually I am getting alot of my energy back!

I think though that some people don't really understand that depression is BOTH physical and spiritual. Some people want to say EVERYTING is totally spiritual. I don't agree. While everything has a spiritual aspect to it, God gave us our physical make-up and you can't explain that away. There are two sides to this issue...some people say---pray and give it to God and don't rely on meds. Others say go with the meds and you will be fine. I think I fall in the middle. I do pray and I am giving it to God, but GOD gave us drs and medications for a reason. And if I have to be on my meds forever, so be it! As long as I feel better. Who knows, maybe someday I will get to the point when God will say, Holly, you don't need those meds anymore. Maybe not. Only time will tell. It just frustrates me that the ones giving me the most flak about taking my meds are CHRISTIANS!! Hey, aren't they supposed to not judge?? They don't know me or my brain and it's chemicals. I am a nurse so I KNOW that medication heals people and helps them function. I am not taking God out of this issue, as a matter of fact, I thank Him for my dr and the medication he has given me to make me feel better.

Well, that's it for now. I hope you will follow my blog as I journey through my depression and emotional unstability (more on that later!!)...feel free to comment...or not. I won't be offended either way!

And the decision is....

2009-04-25T03:42:00.001-07:00

I am NOT closing down my blogspot!! I am not really ready to do any major posts but I am not totally giving up either. I will comment some, and I will try to behave myself when I do it...I am trying to give up this skeptical, rebellious attitude I have, boy is it hard!!!

To blog or not to blog part 2....

2009-04-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, girls....didn't mean to sound like a big baby like I am sure I did in my earlier post. (I forgot to take my Lexapro Sunday so I woke up this morning feeling rather depressed. The Lexapro just now kicked in....) It's just that I for one, don't share what is really on my mind. And I don't want to. I am working on sharing things with people but I am not ready to share my feelings to the whole world...and maybe I never will be. But I feel like what I am doing now, all this trivial little stuff I am blogging about, is kinda pointless. And it is helping me cover up what I really should be focusing on. Not chiropractor appointments or mission trips but on where I am in my relationship to God....for example....I feel like I don't have a close relationship with ANYONE. Maybe my husband but I even keep him in the dark alot about the way I feel...you know how it is..."How do you feel today, honey?" "oh, everything is fine, I am good", while I am dying on the inside. Sometimes I don't want to tell people because they say,"talk about it" and I don't want to or "pray about it" and I do but sometimes I need more. I don't know what so I just don't say anything.

Ok, I don't know where that came from! And that is why I am thinking of quitting this. Because some people (not just you Becky!) don't like it when I communicate how I feel in written (or typed word). I can see their point, I use the internet instead of my mouth to say how I feel. So maybe if I didn't have access to stuff like this I would be forced to TALK....

to blog or not to blog......

2009-04-06T14:05:00.000-07:00

So...after having been a blogger for several months I am beginning to wonder what is the point? Does anyone really read my blogs? Do they even care? I read other people's blogs (hit and miss) and comment. But most of my comments stir up controversy. So...I'm wondering if it is worth it. I will make a decision in a few days about whether or not I should just cancel my blog account....

Chiropractor

2009-04-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

Still seeing Dr Randy, still hate it! I don't like ANYONE messing with my spine. I am still going because he has been working on my knees and they are SOO much better. No such luck with my back. Of course being tense everytime he touches my back doesn't help.....

Mexico

2009-04-05T17:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have been asked to blog about my mission trip to Mexico...but I have NO idea what to say. The trip was SOOO awesome! At first I really didnt want to go I just did so my daughter, Haley, could. I always thought missions were BORING. But in Mexico I fell in LOVE....with the people, the food, the atmosphere...I could definitely live in Mexico! I don't EVER see myself going to China but I am going to Africa someday and use my nursing skills to help the mommies/babies who have AIDS. And I have been dreaming about two little African children (named Jazira and Kobi) who will be a big part of my life someday. No, I don't know these kids or if they even exist I just dream about them.

Sorry I got off track. In Mexico I learned how easy it is to share your faith, who cares what others think. I don't anymore!!

Here are some pics from the trip. I know I didn't tell you much, you kinda just have to experience it yourself....if you have questions leave them in the comment section below and I will answer them ASAP!!

First Time

2009-03-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't my Mexico blog! I have to find more than a few minutes to sit down and do that one! This blog is about my first time to the chiropractor. I have resisted going for a long time! The whole thought scares me! Bones popping, joints cracking...yuck! But I went Thursday to get some relief from my aching back and knees. It was all good...except the back popping part! That is so gross! And I can just picture my spine breaking and puncturing my vital organs! Dramatic, I know. Dr Randy tried to get me to relax but I couldn't. My knees are a little better but my back is the same. He said it would take a while to get relief...so I will keep going...if I don't get too freaked out before it's over!!!

Coming soon.....

2009-03-26T07:30:00.001-07:00

I will be blogging about and posting pictures from my mission trip to Mexico. So stay tuned...

Struggles

2009-03-05T13:55:00.000-08:00

I have a very important decision to make. This decision will probably determine the direction of my life. It should be an easy decision to make, but it's not! So I have done lots of thinking and praying. And when I do that my mind opens up and I think about LOTS of things. Which causes me to have LOTS of questions about the thing I am concentrating on, as well as other random things that float in my head! This is one of those random things:

Sometimes I just don't understand how God can love me so perfectly-like I am the ONLY one for Him-when He loves everyone else the same way too. How can that be?? I want Him all to myself! I don't want to share His love. I want to be His favorite.
But then again maybe HE wants ME all to Himself. Maybe He doesn't want to share me with the world. Maybe He is tired of being last place.
God--Please give me the desire to desire you and only you--to not put anything above you--to make you my One and Only. Amen

I have really been struggling with this lately. I want God to love only me but yet in my life, He is usually last place. Crazy!!!! It is really a struggle for me right now.

third born

2009-02-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

3 rd born
Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your third born! Just copy and paste it in a new note and tag other mommies. Don't forget to tag the original sender so that they can see your answers!

Let's see how much you remember!

1. WAS YOUR third PREGNANCY PLANNED? no, I have never had any planned pregnancies

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? yes

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? happy

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? not even

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 24

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? pg test

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? David

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? yep

9. DUE DATE? May 15

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? nope

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? food

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? I was pretty happy most of the time

13. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILD'S SEX? boy

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
Nope! Already had a girl and a boy

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes!!

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? I knew.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Nope--everything was perfect!!

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? Borger at GPCH---and the BEST of my birthing experiences, might I add! If you want good personal care, small hospitals are where it's at!!

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? dr huertas induced since I was overdue (yuck the 3rd is supposed to come faster,right??)He broke my water at 2 pm (which HURT!), started having contractions in about 30 minutes and I delivered at 8:40 pm, about 6 1/2 hours

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? david

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? david

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? vaginal

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? got epidural after my water was artificially broke

25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 8lbs 1 oz

26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? May 17, 2002

27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Carson Elijah Ward

And I tag whoever reads this and wants to play along!

Come on people, play along!!

2nd born

2009-02-16T15:48:00.000-08:00

Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note and tag other mommies. Don't forget to tag the original sender so that they can see your answers!

Let's see how much you remember!

1. WAS YOUR second PREGNANCY PLANNED? NO!!!!

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? yes

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? surprised, had just had a miscarriage the month before

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? not even

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 20

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? pg test

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? David

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? yep

9. DUE DATE? February 26

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? nope

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? food

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? I was pretty happy most of the time

13. WHAT WAS YOUR CHILD'S SEX? boy

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
Nope! Already had a girl

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes!!

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? I knew.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Nope--everything was perfect!!

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? BSA Amarillo tx

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? my water broke at 4am went to the hosp, started having contractions, got stuck at a 6 FOREVER but then delivered at 11:52 so like 7 hours

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? david

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? david

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? vaginal

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? got epidural pretty soon after I was admitted

25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 7lbs 15oz

26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? February 9,1998

27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Wesley Ray Ward

And I tag whoever reads this and wants to play along!

And stay tuned for 3rd born!!

Come on people, play along!!

1st born

2009-02-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

Here you go mommies - a different kind of survey for a change - it's all about your first born! Just copy and paste it in a new note and tag other mommies. Don't forget to tag the original sender so that they can see your answers!

Let's see how much you remember!

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? NO!!!!

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? no

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? SCARED

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? Unfortunately, it was but just for a second. I had had an abortion 2 years earlier and knew I NEVER wanted to do that again!

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 17

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? Took a PG test in my friend's boyfriend's apartmemt.

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? David, he was waiting outside the bathroom

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? yep

9. DUE DATE? September 29

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Yes, but at night (thank God since I was still in school)

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE? mandarin oranges

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? people at school who talked about me behind my back (like I couldn't hear them!)

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? girl

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
Nope!

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Yes!!

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? I knew.

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Nope--everything was perfect!!

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? NWTH Amarillo tx

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? my water broke at 10 pm before I had any contractions. We went to the hospital right away, started contractions about 11 pm and she was born at 4:47 am.

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? david---after he stopped for a coke!

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? david and about 4 med students

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? vaginal

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? got epidural pretty soon after I was admitted

25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 7lbs 8oz

26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? September 22,1995

27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Haley Renae Ward

And I tag whoever reads this and wants to play along!

And stay tuned for 2nd and 3rd born!!

Testimony Update!!

2009-02-06T14:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I changed my whole testimony...God has really been dealing with me about this stuff!!

Most you know me and my story. Just in case you don't, my name is Holly Ward. In September of 2007 and again that October I attempted suicide which both times landed me in the Pavilion. I had suffered much abuse physically, sexually and emotionally as a child and had an abortion as a teen, among other traumas in my life. I was severely depressed and was abusing prescription drugs. I needed help and found it at Glory House, a rehab for women, in Tulsa, Ok. I was glad I found the much needed help but it would mean that I would have to be away from my husband and 3 precious children for 6 months. That seemed like an eternity to me! But thank God for this church and the people in it! So many people took care of my family while I was gone by helping my husband with meals, the kids, and even financially. I knew that my family was taken care of and that helped me focus on myself and my recovery without having to worry about their well-being.

It took me a while when I got back from Tulsa to adjust to real life again and once I did I starting thinking, what can I do to show everyone how much I appreciate what they've done for me and my family?? And then it came to me--I need to witness to others like I have been witnessed to. But even more than that I need to take it a step futher, and go beyond the walls of this church.

One of the things I've come to realize is that we as humans all want to know we are loved, that someone cares. Someone tangible, someone we can see, talk to and touch. And that being a missionary to someone is showing them that you care and through that eventual bond, showing them that Jesus cares even more!!

For years I have held resentment toward the people in the church where I grew up. They knew my homelife was horrible and knew of the inappropriate relationship I had with the youth pastor who got me pregnant. While I am over it now and hold no hard feelings, I have often wondered what would have happened if they had stepped out of their comfort zones and reached out to me. Instead of treating me like an outsider or someone elses problem, what if they had showed me that they cared about me?? I truly believe that if they had, my self-esteem would have been restored and I wouldn't have faced the self-loathing and self-doubt that I have faced in the past and sometimes still struggle with.

So, I want to encourage everyone here, including myself to be the hope for those who are strugglin and hurting. Those who are harder to love. For example, instead of shunning the girl in your school who is pregnant, ask her how she is doing. Show interest in the baby growing inside of her instead of treating her like she is tainted. Show her you care about her and her situation. What about that student you have in class or Sunday School? You know the one, perhaps with piercing and a bad attitude. Who seems to be more interested in showing disrepect towards you than in learning? As hard as it is, don't give up on him. You don't know what he has to deal with day in and day out and you may be the only glimpse of Jesus he will ever see!

So let's step out of our boxes and off our pedestals and do exactly what Jesus had commanded us to do...to be the shining light that leads the way into His loving arms.

Who AM I in Christ??

2009-02-01T02:35:00.000-08:00

When I was at Glory House (I think most of you know what that is, by now!)we had a whole class on "who I am in Christ". You know...like I am the righteousness of Christ, etc. I have a whole list on paper of who I am in Christ. I can SAY those things, but do I really believe them??

Up until now, not really. I mean I just didn't understand the whole concept. But you know what I am learning? God doesn't want us to understand, He wants us to believe and obey! Wow! That's hard. Because I WANT to understand, before I can even THINK about believing or obeying! I am reading "The Confident Woman" (and almost done!) and you know what? I am starting to change my beliefs! Like maybe Christ really is in me. And I don't have to understand why He would want to be! Sometimes I can't even stand myself, be He loves me nevertheless. Oh, I still have so much to learn about Him. But first I have to believe. So that is what I am working on now...I will keep you posted!!

25 things...

2009-01-29T16:02:00.000-08:00

Ok so I haven't been tagged and I am not going to tag anyone else, but here are 25 random things about me:

1. I grew up in a small town. (and I mean small...population around 200, even less now!)
2. I was valedictorian of my class!
3. I was also 5 months pregnant when I graduated. (oops--not very smart!)
4. I have extremely thick hair. I get headaches if it is much longer than shoulder length...thus the short hair!
5. When I was in 1st grade my hair was to my waist and I had constant headaches...thus the theory above was born!
6. I used to HATE pink, now it is my favorite color.
7. I could live the rest of my life without eating another piece of meat!
8. When I do eat meat, it HAS to be well done, almost burned...no sushi for me!
9. I want to go to Africa some day and work with mommies and babies infected with AIDS.
10. When I was a child I always KNEW I would have a black baby. But my hubby is white. Maybe it has to do with #9!
11. My dad works for BNSF railroad and farms part time.
12. My mom is postmaster relief and on the Adrian city council.
13. My sis lives in Omaha with her BF John (who is a firefighter!) and is going to law school.
14. My brother also lives in Omaha, works for Cox cable, is married and is expecting (well his wife is!) a baby girl, whom they will name Lillie Mae, in May.
15. My cousin and his wife are both doctors.
16. I used to want to be a peditrician until I saw all the long hours they put in in order to become docs!
17. I hate dogs!
18. I love cats!
19. I graduated from Excelsior College in New York in August with my Associate's Degree in Nursing.
20. I passed my boards in December and am an RN!
21. I work in L&D and LOVE it!
22. I don't have a whole lot of friends but am totally devoted to those I have!
23. I am sore---started working out at Curve's this week and I am FEELING it!
24. I played basketball in high school.
25. I am totally addicted to Dr. Pepper!

There you have it!

Spiritual Warfare..

2009-01-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

Ok, I am probably going to step on toes here...please give me your advice, opinions, etc because I am searching for Truth and maybe one of you have the answer I need...

I have been hearing alot about spiritual warfare lately. I am dealing with some bad thoughts (from the past and some just downright sinful!). People who know what I am going through and even those who have no clue have been telling me things about it (spiritual warfare, that is).

So...here are my thoughts on it...I don't know WHAT to think about it! I believe there is a hell and a Satan. I believe in the Trinity...all of these things I only started to believe in this past year. That is where my certainty ends! I don't know if there are DEMONS...if so are they creatures, spirits or what? Are they the exact opposite of angels? (BTW...I do believe in angels, I think!) Do they inhabit people's bodies? If so, I have seen several face to face! And what about Satan himself...I believe in him but to what extent. People say the urge I have to do bad things is Satan tempting me...Really?? It's not just because I am a fallen human in this fallen world?? So does EVERYTHING I do have some sort of spiritual element to it?? If so that is scary if you ask me! I think some people are just plain evil...that's how they roll...just like some people are just plain good. But you can be good and not have God in you...so why can't you be BAD and not have some evil spirit enticing you? If Christians can't be demon-possessed (or so I've heard) then why can we HEAR Satan talking to us and putting thoughts in your heads? Are exorcisms real? (BTW...they kinda scare me...in a fascinating, weird kinda way I want to know everything about them). So if demons exist, does that mean things like ghost and vampires exist? (which I love reading about and watching on TV but don't believe actually exist)...And when I read my Bible how come I can look at it and take a passage and see nothing in it that has to do with spiritual warfare but someone else can take the same passage and swear that is what it is all about? I want to know the Truth...no matter how weird or scary it may be...does it really matter, though, in the sum of things, what I believe about all this???

Not What I Had Planned

2009-01-14T02:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes God answers our prayers and it is not the way in which we planned. He did that for me this week! I had applied for a job at NWTH and was pretty excited about it. Well now I found out they are no longer hiring for that job...but instead of being disappointed, I have a rather surprising sense of peace. I love GPCH (in spite of what misinformed people who gossip about it may think!)! I love my coworkers and I LOVE my patients. The process of birth is truly a miracle! And I love every single one I witness! And what could smell better than a new born baby! I love teaching new moms how to breastfeed and new dads how to hold, swaddle and bathe their new little one! And even crying and praying with parents of a stillborn baby is something I call a privilege! I have the best job in the world and to go somewhere else...what a crazy idea!!

Rescheduled

2009-01-12T11:59:00.000-08:00

To those of you who are following my blog...my interview for today for NWTH got cancelled. They are going to call me tomorrow to reschedule...I will keep you posted!!!

Please Pray...

2009-01-11T19:14:00.001-08:00

Please pray for me! I have another interview at NWTH tomorrow with the assistant director of the labor and delivery unit!! WOO-HOO!! I am stoked!

And please pray for a friend that I work with, Lacee and her hubby, Luke. They just recently (like 3 weeks ago) adopted a precious little newborn baby, Kaden. Well, tomorrow they are traveling to Kansas so Lacee can be in the delivery room Tuesday when their SECOND son will be born! Please pray for the birthmother, that she has a relatively short and pain-free delivery, pray for her as I am sure the separation with this little one that has grown inside of her for 9 months will be hard, for Luke and Lacee as they travel, while they are in KS--they have to stay there a week while the paperwork "clears", and that once they get home, things will get on a schedule...from being childless only a month ago to being parents to TWO newborns only weeks apart!! WHEWW! What hard work, but if anyone can do it, I know Lacee can!!

Finally, I get it!

2009-01-08T08:56:00.000-08:00

I think I am finally beginning to see just how much God loves me!! Maybe it has been hard for me to believe anyone, even God could love me up until this point because I really did't love myself. Partly because of things I did, but mostly for things done to me, things I had NO control over. I could go on and on about that subject but I will end it there for now....

Because I thought I was worthless, I thought I was unlovable. Sure God could forgive and love others, but me...never!! How self-absorbed is that! Actually that is what depression is...focusing on yourself. I have had depression for years, it just recently got worse. I realized all the things that happened to me in my childhood, the LIES I was told by a very abusive person and I actually started to believe them! That I was an OBJECT of pleasure for men and that is all I EVER would be! And I lived that kind of life. Even after I was married I carried that thought about myself with me. And being who I am I stuffed it, instead of TALKING about it and letting it go.

But I have come to realize that I AM someone. No, not anyone. I am God's princess! And if God wants me, well I need to act like it!! I need to act like a princess not a piece of trash that I have so long indentified myself with! Last night in choir practice I was so touched by every song we sang! I cried at the end of practice because it suddenly dawned on me that God LOVES ME! I cried because I told Him I am sorry for putting Him on the back burner for so long! I told Him that I want to be with Him every minute of every day! I am so in love with Him!

And I really owe a lot to my choir friends. Sometimes I go to church feeling like I just don't fit in--anywhere! But everytime I am in choir, I feel so loved. Even with my past people in choir don't just ACT like they love me and they care, I can FEEL that they DO! Last night a precious lady in choir said she couldn't look at me while we were singing because I was such a picture of grace as I worshipped! She was crying and I was crying but you know what, whatever look I had on my face was God shining through me...it had nothing to do with me!

I LOVE worshipping God and I wish I could do it 24/7! But unfortunately, I am human! So there will be times when I slip and even run from God. All of you out there who know me, if you notice that happening, tell me! I don't want to get away from God again!!

I have lots more to say, but I will save it for later....

New Opportunities...

2009-01-07T04:02:00.000-08:00

I absolutely love change and growth!! I especially love it in my career! I love everything about labor, delivery and babies...even sick little babies (perhaps I love them the most!). Anyway, I love taking classes, reading journals and doing what I can to learn as much about my field of practice as I possibly can! That is why I am so EXCITED that I have a job interview at NWTH Friday!! I applied for a PRN L&D job. (FYI..in case you don't know PRN means as needed...I will probably fill in one to two days a month whenever staffing is low.) I am excited because working in a bigger hospital means that I will learn lots of new things and new ways of doing old things! (And the extra spending money will be nice, too!) I don't plan on giving up on GPCH...I LOVE this little hospital. I love the people I work with, the doctors and my patients. And I love only being 5 minutes from work! But I have always dreamed of working in a large hospital and now I have a chance to do both! Of course, I don't have the job yet...the interview is Friday! So please pray with me that if this is God's will, everything will work out perfectly! I will keep you all posted!!

Out with 2008, in with 2009...

2009-01-01T01:07:00.000-08:00

What a year! It went by so fast! Two major things happened to me this year...I graduated from nursing school and became an RN and I completed 6 months of treatment at Glory House in Tulsa Ok for depression/substance abuse! Whew! That was hard. And I haven't really talked much about it. I guess I am still feeling some shame, guilt and regret from my time there and all the things that happened that lead me there. And of course what it did to my family...

So in 2009 I am making a goal (I don't do resolutions!) to become more open and share my thoughts and feelings. I have been struggling so much these past few weeks with my emotions. Emotions I have not let myself feel from the PAST are try to let themselves out. I wish I could be NUMB forever! I could do so much stuff without having to worry about all of this crap! But then I wouldn't achieve my goal, would I? A very special lady has committed to helping me deal with all this junk! She is one brave woman! I can be very stubborn but I know that she won't let me get away with giving up or not trying my hardest to overcome this!

Finally finished!

2008-12-25T17:49:00.001-08:00

We finally finished with our neighbor, April's house!! Woohoo! It was so awesome to see her as she walked in her new home for the first time! She couldn't believe her eyes! It was awesome. But the most awesome part was how people from our church and community came together to help someone in need...we prayed over her house several times during the remodeling process and we pray that more than a new house we gave April a glimpse of Jesus and his love!

Here we are putting on finishing touches and then some pics of the finished house! It is really true what they say...giving is so much better than receiving!!!

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas!

Tagged

2008-12-17T19:06:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Tagged

Rules:
1. Post rules on your blog.
2. Answer the six "4" items.
3. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving them a comment.

4 Things I Did Yesterday: Slept in!! Did laundry. Made homemade pizza. Went to bed early (had to get up at 3:45 to be in Lubbock by 8:00!)
4 Things On My Wish List: a massage, not to have to worry about my weight (I'm with ya on that one, Becky!), to be a good example to my kids (it's harder than I thought it would be!), to help preg teens...and ones BEFORE they get PG!
4 Things I Look Forward to: Christmas, bedtime, hugging Jesus really tightly, Caramel Macchiatto from Coffee Ranch (haven't had one in a week...i am having withdrawls!!)
4 Restaurants I like: Pei Wei, Kabuki, Red Lobster, Logan's Roadhouse
4 Favorite TV Shows: when I watch tv which is rarely--CSI, househunters, any crime show, scrubs
4 People I Tag (You're it): Tara, Elizabeth, and I don't have anymore Blogspot friends who havent been tagged!!

Whine, whine, whine....

2008-12-16T06:41:00.001-08:00

I am going to vent/whine a little. I usually never do this--well I do vent but I don't usually bare my soul quite like this. I hate sounding petty and whiny, and I know this will...it already does in my mind. So here it goes....I am working really hard on being open and initiating conversation...it is SOOO hard and I have failed miserably! I am making the excuse that with Christmas and all I have been so busy and will try harder when the New Year comes. The thing is, everyone else is busy too...no one has time to sit and listen to me. I understand that as I am busy too but it is a little discouraging. Sometimes I feel like I put myself out there...like in this blog and through email...and no one responds. If anyone does it is usually the same one or two people (which, don't get me wrong, I love you guys!) but even they are busy right now and I feel like I am doing all of this for nothing. I really feel like giving up. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. I feel like I am. I am not going to beg for people's friendship. Yeah, I have friends who want to hang out with me. I got together last week with some friends from work. We had some drinks (maybe a few too many:) and had a good time but I want someone I can really have a conversation with! But I haven't really found anyone I really trust. Maybe that's the thing, I just need to trust more. I just get the feeling that people don't want to work at a relationship with me, and that is just what it will take, work...and time. So maybe I am asking too much. I just don't know.

Humbled

2008-12-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

I have been dealing with LOTS of stress lately. I take my NCLEX-RN---AGAIN---tomorrow so I think that will help some. But just the whole holiday thing has gotten me to the end of my rope! However, our neighbor's house burned a couple of months ago and we put her on our prayer list at church. That has evolved into our Sunday School class (and other volunteers) remodeling her whole house! WHAT A JOB! It is so humbling...but it makes me appreicate all that I have! We started the work on Thursday and are still working on it...the sheetrock is up and next we are working on the plumbing, electricity, painting, etc. These pictures show our progress so far...more to come later...(Ok, so the pictures are in backwards order...my first time to post pics, bare with me!!)

Twilight

2008-11-30T20:55:00.000-08:00

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer is an awesome movie and an even better book. I have to admit, I am only 3/4 through the book. My daughter finished it last week and I couldn't make her wait until I finished it before we saw the movie. So we went to see it Friday. The movie is good but some things are out of sequence or left out all together compared to the book.

Yes, this book/movie is about vampires. But if you have teenagers, especially girls, I encourage you to read the book/see the movie together. It is a great launching spot for conversations about relationships!

I (and my daughter Haley) plan on reading the rest of the series (there are 3 more books). Of course I have always been very into vampires and if I were to ever be reincarnated, I would hope to be reincarnated into a vampire--HA!

A Very Happy Thanksgiving...

2008-11-27T17:14:00.000-08:00

This has been a very happy Thanksgiving for me! At this time last year I was in a restoration home/rehab in Tulsa Ok. I had to stay there for 6 months. I got to come home and be with my family but things were awkward. I was not happy. I was overcoming addictions and dealing with so many emotions. I didn't know how to act around my own family! But this year I am so much happier! I can celebrate Thanksgiving and KNOW that I don't have to return to that place in a few days! I am trying to learn how to be open with people around me and that is not going so well but I am just so happy to be here and to be so much more healthier in mind, body and soul than I was last year. I still have some work to do but I have come so far....GOD IS SO GOOD!!!

Opening Up....

2008-11-19T16:18:00.001-08:00

As most of you know, I have overcome some really big things in the past year! But there are some things that I still need to face and overcome in order to be completely healed and also so that I won't fall back into the same ol' stuff. One of those is opening up. You know, having intimate relationships with people. Sharing my thoughts and feelings. I don't like doing any of that stuff. Sometimes I think I would just like to stay like this...all bottled up. But that only causes problems and frankly--I don't like myself very much because of it. So (BIG sigh) I think I'm ready to learn how to be open. It's going to be hard. I have never initiated a conversation in my life! Not one of any meaning, anyway...even with my husband. I have to confess I am scared to death. Part of me doesn't want to do this, but a bigger part does. I don't like people to see me cry. I don't like people to know I am hurt, scared, sad, whatever. I don't being the center of attention. I would rather stay over in my little corner by myself. But all of that is about to start to change. I don't know how to even do this. I am not even completely sure it will be worth it, but I'm going to try!

David's Favorite things....

2008-11-18T00:55:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to post my favorite things or his so I did both!

1...God. David LOVES God--and it shows in the way he loves is family.

2...Me! (At least I think I'm #2...ha!)

3...The kiddos...He is the best father EVER!!

4...Firefighting....I love being married to a big, strong firefighter...it makes me feel so safe!!

5...German Chocolate Cake...I am getting my aunt to make one for him for his b-day in March (she makes the BEST cakes!).

6...FOOTBALL...He loves Texas Tech and the Cowboys...and I think he is very proud that our 10 year old Wes plays football and loves it as much as his dad!

7...Sweet tea...I think he's on the verge of addiction!

8...Our English Bulldog, Lightning!...I am not a dog lover (I'm a cat lover! Forgot to put that on my favs!) but David loves them!

9...Hunting....he loves to hunt!

10...Fantasy Football...is it January yet? (just kidding, honey!)

My Favorite Things....

2008-11-18T00:31:00.001-08:00

Ok...since I got tagged I guess I have to list some of my favorite things...here goes...(BTW I am at work so I can't upload my photos...maybe I will at a later date...who am I kidding...probably not!)

1...The way God loves me...so perfectly. Even when I don't accept it or believe He can, He does!

2...My hubby and the way always sticks with me, even in the worst situations. I owe him so much more than I can ever give him...but that doesn't bother him!

3...My children and the fact that they are so well behaved! I love each one of them for their uniqueness and I KNOW my life would be incomplete without any one of them!

4...Babies...Especially newborns---everything about them!!

5...My job, which actually has to do with #4---I am a neonatal nurse so I had better love babies!!

6...Chocolate--enough said!

7...Caramel macchiattos from Coffee Ranch...YUM!

8...Reading--especially mysteries and thrillers!

9...Scrubs...both the kind I wear for work and the TV show!

10...Sleeping...I used to do WAY too much of it, and maybe I do more of it than I should now, but I just love it so much!

Ok, so these are a few of my favorite things....I tag Elizabeth and Ember!

EMBER....

2008-11-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

I posted a comment to your comment on my blog....I hope it will clarify things!! If not let me know and I will try to explain it better.....

Obama, our new president, like it or not!!!

2008-11-05T11:30:00.001-08:00

Ignorance IS at least one of the things dragging this country down! No, things may not be perfect, Obama may make people mad but I just don't understand how people who claim to be Christians can be so upset that Obama is Pres when they KNOW God is in control....no I am not FOR abortion....I am not FOR taxing guns and ammunition....and I actually did not even vote for Obama. But this is the hand we are dealt. It is obviously part of God's plan for our country...so we can sit and be stiff-lipped and resist what's been handed to us or we can work together and make this country what it is meant to be---one nation under God! Obama deserves our respect whether you want to admit it or not---and that comes straight from the Bible!!!!!!!!

Obama and disrespect

2008-11-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

You know I don't really think that it is going to be as bad as everyone thinks. Let me tell you Obama is NOT the antichrist!! Sure he has some warped ideas and opinions but how can Christians be so SCARED when they know that JESUS is the KING of KINGS and GOD IS IN CONTROL! Our nation NEEDS change and who knows, Obama may be the one to do it and do it right. I personally had my doubts that McCain would make ANY significant change....the world hasn't ended...it is time for us as Christians to stand up...and not let fear run us over...no matter WHO is the president. Obama deserves our respect and prayers...says so in the Bible! And people who are saying nasty things about him and talking about the "a" word are the ones who are dragging this country down!!!!!!!

Emotions

2008-11-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

I can't hardly believe that last year at this time I was in Tulsa...away from my family...hating myself and everyone around me! And now here I am back with my family, and loving my life....

Of course with this being the "anniversary" so to speak of my meltdown (actually it occured in Sept and Oct of last year) I am experiencing a wide range of emotions. I am SOOOO thankful that God spared my life...I almost died and I am sure I would have if not for the intervention of Him. Of course He worked through others like my small group, Becky and David. I, at that time, really hated all of them for ruining my plans. It hurt my feelings when they called me an addict. I wanted to hit my husband when I found out he took me, semiconscious to the ER because I overdosed, purposely on pills. But now I am so thankful that they loved me so much they were willing to hurt me and have me hate them in order for me to be safe. And I am so grateful to God for putting them in my life.

Of course, life on earth wouldn't be complete without Satan messing things up. I guess that is why although I am thankful I have also been dealing with lots of regret, shame and guilt. I KNOW in my head that it is from Satan and I shouldn't let him lie to me like that, but sometimes my heart forgets all that. It is a daily struggle for me, especially right now.

It is hard for me to show my emotions and let them out. I have hidden them all my life. Life was easier (and safer) when I DIDN'T show them. How do you learn to trust people when you never really 100% trusted anyone, not even yourself? What if I backslide and start hiding things again and it just becomes that ugly ol' cycle all over again??? Sometimes I have a hard time talking even to God about this. Someone told me recently that He wants to know me intimately. That is a really hard thing for me to grasp! I think I try to figure things out too much, I try to MAKE them make sense even when they don't. I use my head too much because in my experience my heart has almost always let me down..

Anyway, I know all of that was probably pretty hard to understand...it is for me too! Please just pray for me regarding all of the above, and also for this weekend. I am going to speak at a fundraiser for Glory House in Tulsa and I have mixed emotions. I am glad that I am going to get to see everyone again, but also afraid that some "bad" emotions will be stirred up while I am there!

This weekend...

2008-10-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

was a emotional roller coaster!! Satan sure is trying to cause as much chaos in my life right now as he can! Friday morning I took my NCLEX-RN...test to get my RN license. I had to take all 265 questions and I had a bad feeling about it when I got done. That was bad...but then I met my mom for lunch, pedicures, a couple sips of a margarita and shopping! It was fun! That evening David and I went to Pampa and on the way there our truck broke down and we had to have a friend (thanks Chad!) tow us home. Bad! Saturday night David and I went to see the movie Fireproof...awesome movie! It reminded me of my marriage and all the mistakes I've made and how my addictions almost tore us apart! But in the end (just like in the movie) everything worked out and things are better than ever! Praise God! Then today I found out I FAILED my nursing test! I can't believe it, I've never failed anything before! Other people at work have failed and my boss told me she knows I will pass next time, I am just so disappointed in myself. I have to admit I am feeling pretty depressed right now! I am glad this weekend is almost over!

King of the Mountain

2008-10-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

Isn't it great to know that no matter what we think of or refer to Jesus as, He is still the Savior of the World?! Our opinion of Him does not change who He is! For example in Luke 22"63-*71 the "big wigs" asked (VS 70) Are You then, the Son of God?" And He said to them, "You say that I am". Really it didn't matter what they thought of Him or Who they thought He was ...He was and is the Son of God!

Aren't you thankful that humanity can "try" Christ for being anything we choose, and yet He is who He is? No amount of disbelief can change or move Him! Why did the chief priests and teachers of the law disbelieve? Why couldn't they accept the Messiah? Because they wanted to be king of the mountain.

And so our Savior was stripped, beaten, mocked, flogged, spat upon, tortured, killed. By those very teachers and leaders, but also by us, humanity, when we openly choose to mock or even when we privately choose to disbelieve our perfect Savior.

The most terrifying truth a mocking humanity will ever confront is that no matter how Jesus is belittled, He cannot be made little. He is the king of the mountain.

stuff...

2008-09-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

Ok so I don't have anything smart or spiritual to say today...just updates on how my life is going...

I worked 102 hours last pay period....my check was good, but I was worn out! I have been off since Sunday and don't go back to work till this Sunday...PRAISE GOD! I am officially a GN (graduate nurse). Got my certificate today. That means a little raise in pay! My NCLEX-RN (test for my RN license) is Oct 24...after successful completion of that I will be an RN...an even bigger raise in pay!!

David and I went to counseling Wednesday. It went good, so good in fact that the 3 of us (me, Dave and our counselor) have decided that we don't need further counseling at this time. We also agreed it was time for me to try this thing called life on my own! It honestly is scary, but I am ready. I am happier right now then I think I have EVER been in my life. As long as I don't go back to my old ways of isolating and withdrawing, I will be ok!

My daughter turned 13 this week! I feel so OLD! She is a teenager! I am only 31! It is scary being a mom to a teenager, especially in this day and age, but she is a very good girl and we have a great relationship so it hasn't been so bad!

Well, that's all for now...we are getting ready for the homecoming game...GO DOGS!!!!!!!!!

Salvation's Song...

2008-09-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

If you could sing a song of your salvation what would some of the words be? I don't even know if I could put words to the strong emotion I feel when I think about my own salvation. But the words of Psalm 116 help. Verses 13-14 say "I will take the cup of salvation and worship the Lord. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all His people."

How sweet! And even sweeter is the fact that Jesus sang hymns! We don't know if he sang all the time or just on special occasions but in Matt 26:30 Jesus sang!!! What do you think he sounded like? A tenor or a bass? Was there silence in heaven or did the angels join in? Imagine when you read the Psalms that Christ sang some of those very same hymns...AWESOME! Whatever Christ sang as the Passover meal concluded that fateful night, the words had significance that others could not even fathom. Do you think his voice quivered with emotion, or did he sing in exultation?? One thing we know: Christ, above all others, knew that he was singing more than words. He was singing the score of his destiny!

Precious Jesus, Oh how my soul sings to you right now...songs of joy, praise and adoration! The Bible says you sang hymns too, oh how I would have loved to be there. To hear your sweet voice as you raised it up to your Father. What did you sound like? What song did you sing?? Oh, Jesus put a new song of praise in my mouth, one that is just for you and me! Oh how I love you...Amen!

Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only

2008-09-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a personal Bible Study by Beth Moore called Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only on and off for several months now. Talk about AWESOME! I have learned so much about my Savior. I am on day 79 and it just now hit me that I should blog some of what I've learned. So I am going to do just that...not everyday and not all 90 days but as much as I can...let's start with what I learned today...

Did you know that Jesus PRAYS for YOU?? He does! I know, I find it amazing too. But it says just that in Luke 22:31-34. As a matter of fact this is what Luke 22:31-32 says specifically "Simon, Simon, look out! Satan has asked to sift you like wheat. But I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail. And you, when you have turned back, strengthen the brothers."

Isn't that awesome!? I used to read it and think...what?? Jesus gave Satan permission to beat up on me...really? How can He say He loves me and do that...whine, whine, whine. But I was just looking at that one little part. Not the whole passage. You know, the part that says Jesus PRAYS for Peter (and me) when he (and I) is sifted like wheat. Not only that his (and my) faith won't fail but that when he (and I) turns back that he (and I) will strengthen the brothers. How perfect! I have recently been sifted as many of you know. I had all the yuck of my sins...and there were many...shaken down and out! And now I have fruit to show for all that shaking. The process was NOT fun but the rewards are awesome! I hope, truly hope, that I never have to be sifted like that again...it HURT! But like I said I learned SOOO much. And I want to share that with others who are going through the same thing...that the pain is SOO worth it and that you CAN get through it, because JESUS is praying for you!

Lord Jesus...How awesome it is to know that Satan cannot touch me without your permission! And that when he does you are praying for me...PRAYING FOR ME! Jesus, if you pray for ME then why do I not pray for others more? I want to be more like you. Help me to be an intercessor to those around me who need divine intervention. Please put them on my heart and give me the will to obey by praying for them every chance I get. Lord, help me to use my experience of being sifted to help others...use my pain to heal...I love you Jesus...my One and Only...Amen.

Cake Recipe

2008-09-09T13:43:00.001-07:00

> Most Dangerous Chocolate Cake Recipe in the World
MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE>
1 Coffee Mug>
4 tablespoons flour(that's plain flour, not self-rising)>
4 tablespoons sugar>
2 tablespoons baking cocoa>
1 egg>
3 tablespoons milk>
3 tablespoons oil>
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)>
Small splash of vanilla>>

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.> Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using)> and vanilla, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for> 3 minutes at 1000 watts. The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but> don't be alarmed! Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if> desired. EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to share!)>> And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world? Because now> we> are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or> night!

Freedom

2008-09-08T03:08:00.000-07:00

Today I heard a teaching about freedom from bondage. I have heard that particular teaching, or others like it anyway, several times. Yet, I always get something new out of it. And the thing I got out of it today was...freedom is something God DESIRES for us! That is so simple yet I find it very profound. Christ is victorious...and being Christ's heirs makes us victorious! However, we have to LIVE in that victory and THINK like victors.

I guess the thinking part is what gets me. I don't feel very victorious. I have been really struggling lately with some of my old habits. So victorious is not how I would describe me right now. I tend to think on negative things when I feel this way. But I need to remember that Jesus is victorious and to let Him have it all...but I forget that and sit in that old prison cell. The doors are open but I just sit there. Why? Maybe because it is familiar. Or because I am being deceived by Satan or both. I need to get out. I need to run to Jesus...so why am I just sitting here???

Teenagers....

2008-09-02T22:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, I need a little help! So all you moms of teeenagers past and present and all you who have ever been a teen...this should cover everyone....I need some advice. My daughter will be 13 the 22nd of this month. She looks like she is at least 16. And boys notice her! She is smart and makes wise decisions. She has had a couple of "boyfriends". Nothing serious...just middle school "love affairs" where you are going out with a boy one day and single the next. Now she likes a guy from Pampa. He is 15. She wants to meet him which I said was ok as long as I (or her dad) are there. The problem is her dad is going BALLISTIC! He is losing sleep over it! I just don't get it! He lives in Pampa, she lives here. She is growing up. I think he is afraid to let her go. So what should I do??

Addictions

2008-09-01T00:25:00.000-07:00

I think everyone has an addiction in some degree to something or another. Some people are more prone to addiction than others. Unfortunately, I am one who has a very addictive personality. I just can't say no to or get enough of some things. As most of you know, I recently had a problem with pills and alcohol. I used to smoke. But I have quit all that. I still crave some of these things from time to time. But I haven't given in! But (with the help of my counselor and husband!) I realize that I have traded those addictions for others...mainly eating and shopping! I know it doesn't sound that bad. But I have gained more weight than I wanted. I am happy with me but I don't want to gain more. Sometimes I eat when I am not even hungry. I just can't help it. And shop...oh I do love to shop. And when I am feeling bad I shop LOTS! I lie about it and I get into trouble with my husband because of it. I feel like I haven't made progress, I am just trading addictions! I am still an addict. And I feel like a loser!

In response to Becky's Consider This....

2008-08-30T16:55:00.000-07:00

I would like to think that I would not do things much differently. I would like to think that I am doing the absolute best I can for God. Every minute of every day. But then reality sets in...if I knew exactly when Christ was coming to meet me in the sky I think I would do lots of things differently...little things. Not get frustrated and yell at the kids, not get mad at Dave and refuse to talk to him, not gossip at work. But then I am merely a human and my mind goes back to "worldly" things and I forget that I need to be behaving like someone about the meet my Savior...Oh, but what sweet relief it is that I have GRACE! That my name is written in the book of life so when I do mess up, the blood of Jesus covers my sins and God can't see them! Oh, Jesus I love you!

Just some thoughts from a nurse....

2008-08-27T20:24:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile! I think I am finally recovered from this weekend. It was the most stressful of my life. But it made me realize just how much I love being a nurse! I especially love OB, nursery and pediatrics. Someday I would love to work in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). Did you know that when I was little I wanted to be a pediatrician? But I realize that it is the NURSES who spend the most time with their patients, who get to know them and even develope relationships with them. We are their advocates. We get the doctors to LISTEN to them. We tell the doctors what they need. Sometimes that really makes the doctors mad, but it is all for the patient! Sometimes we are made out to be the bad guys when things go wrong but we are actually the ones hold things together and put them back together when they do fall apart. It is a very hard and sometimes very stressful job. It can be physically exhausting and sometimes emotionally challenging. But I wouldn't trade it for the world!!!

I DID IT...

2008-08-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

I passed! I am SOO exhausted. I got maybe 4 hours sleep this whole weekend...will blog more later....

Clinical Exam

2008-08-22T10:34:00.001-07:00

I have my clinical exam for RN school today-Sunday! I am ready and know my stuff but also NERVOUS and I don't want my nerves to get the best of me! I am praying for God to calm my nerves and bring the things to mind that I need to know, when I need to know them. I would appreciate it if you would pray for and believe for these things with me!

Thanks in advance!!

Today...

2008-08-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

Has been extremely busy! It started with me waking up late...10 am. I usually sleep that long because I am used to staying up late since I work at night...but today I wanted to get up early. Oh well...anyway after lunch I cooked taco soup for small group. I am so glad I did. I had a dentist appt at 2:30 and was only supposed to get a crown...but 3 hours later ended up with a root canal!!! It isn't too painful yet but it sure costed alot! So...I was running late for small group and I had to take Wes to football practice! But I made it. Small group was good. We learned that in the busyness of life not to forget to show others the love of God! What a good lesson on an especially busy day! When I got home I cleaned house and did laundry and I was stressed to the max, but I made a special effort to show my boys love and not rip their heads off because of my bad mood! And the funny thing is, I feel SO much better than when I do get cranky! God really knows what He's talking about...

Anyway, I am really tired...off to bed for me!!

Rain...

2008-08-17T11:42:00.000-07:00

It's been raining all day here in Borger! I like it when it rains, but I am much happier and have more energy when it is sunny.

But without rain the earth would be dry and there would be no plants. There would be no life at all, everything that lives must have water to survive and grow.

Rain can interfere with and change our plans. We can't control it, it comes and goes as nature (God) wills.

Our lives have rain...sometimes even storms. We are going along all happy-go-lucky and BOOM! some rain falls and our lives get changed. It may be a change in jobs, a move to a new home, whatever. Most of the time it is a small change. Sometimes pleasant, sometimes a small irritation.

But sometimes it STORMS...you know what I mean. One of those life changes that rock your whole world...like death, or sickness of a loved one. I recently had a storm in my life when I was hospitalized for a total of 2 weeks (2 separate occasions) for depression and suicide attempts and then had to go away for 6 months to treat my depression and drug addiction.

Talk about a storm. It rocked my whole world. I couldn't change it. All I could do was endure. But in coming out of the storm I am learning an important thing...just like rain falling on the earth, the storms of our lives are needed in order to maintain growth. Without the storms I've had in my life, I wouldn't be where I am now! As long as I don't forget where I can go for shelter when the hail starts to become unbearable...my Shelter...God Himself! Praise God for storms...Bring 'em on! I am ready...

Random....

2008-08-15T19:12:00.001-07:00

I see no one commented on my Juno blog...interesting!

I have lots of stuff to say but I am exhausted today! So here is some random stuff...I haven't slept well in several nights!! I broke down and took some NyQuil to help me sleep last night. I wish I had some sleeping pills but I tend to use them in ways they aren't intended to be used so I will stay away!!

I am studying for clinicals which are Aug 22-24. I am nervous but also very excited! I am soon going to be an RN!!! I know that I could not have done it without God and I am so grateful to Him for all His help!!

I had a counseling appointment yesterday. My husband went. He did really well. I however did not do so good. I felt myself shutting down and putting up walls more than once. Sometimes I couldn't even speak because I was crying so hard. But I am not giving up! I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. School is a breeze compared to this. Even childbirth was no big deal next to all this soul-searching, emotion digging crap! I am not trying to brag but I am a smart girl...so why do I find opening up and baring my soul so stinkin' hard! Especially to those I love the most. I am so afraid of rejection, anger and betrayal. I dealt with alot of that as a child and I guess I have some unreleased stuff in there...I don't know. It all very confusing! Sometimes being a human sucks...especially a girl human!

Well, before I get any deeper and say something I will regret, I better sign off. I need to do laundry and get ready for this weekend, my sister and her live-in boyfriend from Nebraska will be in the Panhandle. So between all that and studying, I better go!

Grace

2008-08-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Grace is truly an amazing thing. The amazing thing is, none of us deserve it but we all get it, if we will only accept it.

Here is a real-life example of grace, on a human level. I can't go into details so this may seem kinda vague, but hang with me, I do have a point to all this madness! There is a particular lady in my church, a very sweet, beautiful young lady whom I have in times past, called my friend. We weren't particularly close but I felt we were friends. I really respected (and still do!!) this woman. But I totally betrayed her! Not directly, really, but it honestly was betrayal. I have been betrayed many times by people, close and not so close, and it hurts all the same. I imagine she probably felt the same way. If I were in her place, I wouldn't want to have a thing to do with me! I would think of me and feel hatred, contempt, anything but love, forgiveness and acceptance. But I saw her last night at church and she was so sweet. She hugged me and said "New year, new Holly!" I just walked away because I didn't want her to see my tears!! But now I wish that I would have hugged her back and told her "thanks!" for showing me such grace. Grace that is only from God. Grace that I believe she lets God shine through her. What an inspiration! I was truly touched and I hope to see things in a totally different perspective now when people hurt or betray me. Through the eyes of grace, the grace of God, just like she saw me. I hope you read this, my friend and know how very sorry I am! But how very much I love you and how inspirational it is to see God work through you!!

Submission part 2

2008-08-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

Alright, I guess God is trying to convict me of something but I am not sure what! I wrote the whole thing about submission last night and I have been thinking about it alot. On one hand I think marriage should be 50/50. Why should the man make all the decisions?? If I were out of town and wanted to leave and he didn't why should I have to do what he wants? I mean, I don't think I should always have my way but I think we should talk about it and come to some sort of compromise...that is what marriage is about. We both have to give in to the other sometimes. I won't let my husband run over me and control me. And that is the other thing. Maybe I don't trust him totally. Not because he is my husband or he is David but because he is a HUMAN. When I was little I was hurt in one way or another by almost everyone I loved. The more I trusted people the more they hurt and betrayed me. I can't let that happen again. I can take care of myself. So I don't give my whole self over to ANYONE!! But I can't tell David that, it would crush them. Just that fact that I just typed that on this blog is enough to make him angry if he found out. I just need to vent. I don't want to hurt him and if I told him that I don't 100% trust him it would hurt him and then he would get mad and it would get ugly. I don't even know if I can talk to my counselor about it especially with him there. I don't really know what I am trying to say anymore. I am at work and if I can feel the tears coming so I'd better quit before they do....

Submission

2008-08-12T01:01:00.000-07:00

Submission--It's a hard word to swallow. For me it is, anyway. Most of the time I don't have a problem submitting to my boss at work. I actually go above and beyond what she asks me to do. But submitting to my hubby, you gotta be kidding! That is hard. It's not that I don't love and respect him but...for example money. That's a big one. I work. I make good money. We are doing good financially. We are trying to pay off bills. But what if I want to buy something for myself? Why should I have to ask for permission?...CRAZY!!!

And what if my husband thinks God is telling Him to move far away to some place I've never been?...what if I don't hear God telling me that? What if my husband is wrong...I know, I know. Trust him, he's your husband.

But that is easier said than done. When people tell me that it is as if they are saying once I got married I stopped living my own life. That I have no say in what I do. That makes me mad just thinking of it!! I am perfectly capable of having a good life on my own. I love my hubby and want to be with him but can't I make my own decisions? Like today, I applied for and got a Victoria Secrets credit card. I forgot to tell David (honestly!) and he found out and got mad. He said he felt betrayed. I just don't understand it. I am torn. Like I said I love him and respect him but I don't want to give up all control to him. Is that so wrong, what am I supposed to do??? Maybe I'm being "rebellious" but I don't like it!!!

Juno

2008-08-11T00:17:00.000-07:00

Ok so this blog is going to be a little on the controversial side! To my Christian friends out there who read this...let me know what you think but be NICE! HA!

So I watched the movie Juno Friday night. I thought it was a cute little movie. My daughter (12 almost 13 years old!) has seen it and thinks it's cute too. I personally think all teens should see it. They don't sugar coat teen pregnancy but they don't treat it like it is the end of the world either. My favorite part is when Juno runs out of the abortion clinic!! Go Juno! I teared up!! Having had an abortion at 15 I was almost jealous (yes of a movie character!!)!

This movie got me to thinking and I have felt this way for a while...why don't we talk to teens more about the realities of sex, especially premarital sex. I have a daughter and I have a hard time talking to her about the "s" word. Part of me thinks she is too young to know about "that". But the truth is, she isn't. Kids her age are doing things like having oral sex in movie theatres. I myself had my first (consentual) sexual encounter when I was 12. We need to teach abstinence. Because that is what God wants us to do and it is the best way to do things...but we have to be realistic. Don't tell kids not to have sex and act like they don't . Or be totally shocked or pissed when your perfect baby comes up pregnant or with an STD. Talk about and STRESS abstinence but also be open and honest about safe sex. You know...condoms, BCPs, etc. ANY girl can get pregnant and ANY boy can get her pregnant. Whether it be the school slut or the goody-two shoes it doesn't matter. Once is all it takes. Teenagers aren't mature enough to make decisions regarding babies...I should know. I got pregnant at 15 and had an abortion...a decision I will regret the rest of my life. If I have to talk to my daughter (or someone else's...I am a nurse in the OB dept at GPCH and I am not afraid to talk to the teens we have come in, pregnant or not, about safe sex) about protecting herself, so be it. I DON'T want her to have sex until she is 35 (ok, maybe when she gets married!) but if she chooses to, I want her to be safe.

And it is not all about pregnancy! STD's are rampant among teens too. We get many teen girls in our unit who have to have antibiotics via IV because they have such bad STD's. I myself have an antibody to HIV...meaning at sometime in my life I was exposed to the virus but never fully contracted it...SCARY!

The moral of this long blog...I don't think condoms should be handed out at school BUT kids should know where to go (hopefully to a parent) to get protection if they choose to have sex before marriage. It's all about protecting our kids, not pretending like teenage sexual activity doesn't exist!

Broken

2008-08-08T08:47:00.000-07:00

Broken Current mood: chill
She sits alone on the bench and tries not to let them see her tears. She is broken inside. All the hurt, pain and anger from years past are taken a toll on her soul. She tries to find solace in church but to no avail. Everyone there is concerned about how perfect they look on the outside. But she knows that most of them are broken like her. There is no help at home or work, but that is her fault. She doesn't want anyone to know that she is dying inside. God seems so far away and sometimes she wonders if he is really even there. So she sits alone on this bench and tries to hide her tears...she hides behind alcohol, drugs, sex, food...anything to take her mind off her pain. Sometimes it is more than she can handle so she finds a razor blade, a knife, a piece of glass, whatever she can use to make a gash in her skin. The blood reminds her that she is alive and it somehow seems like an atonement for her many sins. But soon her sins are so many that not even the blood from her own body can wash them away. She gets off the bench and knows what she must do. She must give up...end it all once and for all. Too many pills, a gun, a car full of carbon monoxide, a slit of the wrists...how should she do it. Too many pills seems good. Just go to sleep and never wake up. A bottle full of pills later she is sleepy and just wants to slip away but then she realizes that God is there! And He has been all along. At first she is mad at Him because she is in this crappy mental hospital with scary people, mean nurses, and jerk doctors. Then she has to go away for six months. But now she is sitting on the bench again but this time she is not trying to hide her eyes...this time she is looking. Looking at her beautiful life. Her husband, her kids, her church family, her family, friends, coworkers. She can see them all and she is so thankful for them all. A tear of joy rolls down her cheek but this time it is wiped away. By Jesus who is sitting there with her who has always been there, waiting for her to let him wipe her tears.
Currently listening : Hawk Nelson Is My Friend By Hawk Nelson Release date: 2008-04-01

2008-07-23T23:16:00.001-07:00

Hi! Welcome to my blogspot...don't have much to say right now, I am at work...thanks for stopping by will post more later!!