Forgiveness...

My husband, David, and I have been doing a weekly Bible Study together. It is based on the movie Fireproof. It gives us some time to spend together. And it helps me open up. Well, a little I guess. I still am not too forthcoming with intimate things and some weeks I stay shut down. But....

The subject we talked about last night was forgiveness. It was kinda hard. Even though I already knew it, it was hard to hear David tell me that he has to CHOOSE to forgive me daily and that sometimes it is really hard. I have put him through so much over the past couple of years. I am just so happy he decided to stick with me that I sometimes forget how hard all of that was on him. And still is. I don't think he trusts me completely yet. Which I can't say I don't blame him for that. I lied to and manipulated him alot when I was "sick"---that's his word for it! So hearing him say that last night HURT! Funny thing is, I was not mad at him, I was mad at me!!! If I were my old self, I would have cut myself or found some way to hurt me. And don't think I didn't think about doing that last night 'cause I did! I had an overwhelming urge to do something destructive. Of course I didn't tell David. I told him I was going to stay up and read and he stayed up with me. Then I got tired and fell asleep! So I did not harm myself, but I am still angry at myself. I have no problem forgiving others...for the most part. There are still some deep-seated issues that I haven't gotten over and I don't know if I've really forgiven the people involved. But for the most part, I forgive fairly easily. Except when it comes to myself! I know me and I KNOW I can be better, do better, etc. I know when I do "bad" things that I really knew they were wrong when I did them. I allow myself no excuses for the wrongs I commit. Sometimes I can't stand myself. Sometimes I HATE myself. That's why I used to cut. It was a way for me to punish myself and it also relieved my anger. I don't cut or harm myself now, although like I said I still do have urges to sometimes. People think you are a freak when you hurt yourself. I think it is just a way of showing people how you feel. Because sometimes you just don't know how to say it. I think that's always been an issue for me.

Anyway, now when I get angry with myself I suppress it. I know, I know. That is the WORST possible thing to do. So...what should I do when that happens? What do other people do?? How do you begin to forgive yourself for things so horrible you can't stand yourself when you think about it??

People Pleaser...

I admit it, I am a people pleaser. It makes me happy when I please people. Sometimes that is not a bad thing. Actually in moderation, I think it is a good trait to have. But I go overboard with it! To the point that I get overwhelmed and depressed!

Why do I feel the need to please people....I think because I HATE anyone to be mad at me! Anger SCARES me! My own anger, which I guess is why I supress it, but mostly other people's anger. I think alot of it has to do with my childhood. I try not to dwell on the past, but it did affect who I have become. My mom and dad never physically hurt me, but my mom yelled ALOT! And sometimes when she wasn't herself (because she had her own issues she was struggling with), she would say mean things. I knew that she was struggling and I didn't want to make things worse so I hid my feelings and tried to do anything and everything to plesase her. And, when I was 9-10 years old, a neighbor---my best friend's mom's boyfriend---started to sexually assault me. And when I cried or didn't do what he wanted, he would beat me. And I could see the anger in his face. I cringe even now when I see that look on anyone's face. In order not to make him mad, I suppressed my feelings (that was a theme with me huh?!) and did whatever he wanted just to keep him happy.

The abuse stopped after about 1 1/2 years and when I was 15 my mom got help for her problems and things were much better. But I was so used to suppressing my feelings and pleasing people, that's what I did. I felt that in order to have any self-worth, I had to have boys like me. So I did whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, from the age of 12 until I was 18 I did things with boys that make me sick just thinking about them! And it wasn't just boys, sometimes it was men.

I say all of that not to dwell on it or make people feel sorry for me, I say that because this is a pattern in my life that still has a very strong hold on me! I don't want people to be mad at me! I want people to like me! I will forgo my own wants and comfort to please people. I think deep down inside it angers me. So that is part of the reason I struggle with depression.

I recently have been seeing a counselor, a lady from my church, who has been helping me find truth in order to set me free from all this junk. However, I just a few days ago realized that I had fallen into that trap with her...I was trying to please her by saying what I think she wanted to hear and doing what she told me to do. God was no where in it for me. So, I have broken off that aspect of our relationship...maybe our whole relationship, I don't know. The thing is, I try to please everyone around me and make God last. So...am I supposed to break off all my relationships? The intimate ones anyway. Maybe I should not have an emotionally intimate relationship with ANYWAY until I get this fixed....I am tired of saying what I think people want to hear and doing what I think will make them happy....but I can't get passed the need to please....maybe I need to learn how to please myself....Isolation isn't good but neither is this.

Depression

Ok, I haven't done this in a while, but this is my new source of therapy. Well, this and Farm Town on Facebook...ha! Seriously, as some of you know I struggle with depression. And I really hate it because I have an awesome life....best hubby and kids EVER, job that I totally love, and even though sometimes He seems far away, I know God loves me.

So why the depression? I think two reasons. One being that I have had some traumatic things happen to me in my life and I am still coming to terms with them. And secondly, I think the chemicals in my brain are off. I say that because I am now on two antidepressants and they are working!! I don't feel like a zombie, actually I am getting alot of my energy back!

I think though that some people don't really understand that depression is BOTH physical and spiritual. Some people want to say EVERYTING is totally spiritual. I don't agree. While everything has a spiritual aspect to it, God gave us our physical make-up and you can't explain that away. There are two sides to this issue...some people say---pray and give it to God and don't rely on meds. Others say go with the meds and you will be fine. I think I fall in the middle. I do pray and I am giving it to God, but GOD gave us drs and medications for a reason. And if I have to be on my meds forever, so be it! As long as I feel better. Who knows, maybe someday I will get to the point when God will say, Holly, you don't need those meds anymore. Maybe not. Only time will tell. It just frustrates me that the ones giving me the most flak about taking my meds are CHRISTIANS!! Hey, aren't they supposed to not judge?? They don't know me or my brain and it's chemicals. I am a nurse so I KNOW that medication heals people and helps them function. I am not taking God out of this issue, as a matter of fact, I thank Him for my dr and the medication he has given me to make me feel better.

Well, that's it for now. I hope you will follow my blog as I journey through my depression and emotional unstability (more on that later!!)...feel free to comment...or not. I won't be offended either way!

And the decision is....

I am NOT closing down my blogspot!! I am not really ready to do any major posts but I am not totally giving up either. I will comment some, and I will try to behave myself when I do it...I am trying to give up this skeptical, rebellious attitude I have, boy is it hard!!!

To blog or not to blog part 2....

Ok, girls....didn't mean to sound like a big baby like I am sure I did in my earlier post. (I forgot to take my Lexapro Sunday so I woke up this morning feeling rather depressed. The Lexapro just now kicked in....) It's just that I for one, don't share what is really on my mind. And I don't want to. I am working on sharing things with people but I am not ready to share my feelings to the whole world...and maybe I never will be. But I feel like what I am doing now, all this trivial little stuff I am blogging about, is kinda pointless. And it is helping me cover up what I really should be focusing on. Not chiropractor appointments or mission trips but on where I am in my relationship to God....for example....I feel like I don't have a close relationship with ANYONE. Maybe my husband but I even keep him in the dark alot about the way I feel...you know how it is..."How do you feel today, honey?" "oh, everything is fine, I am good", while I am dying on the inside. Sometimes I don't want to tell people because they say,"talk about it" and I don't want to or "pray about it" and I do but sometimes I need more. I don't know what so I just don't say anything.

Ok, I don't know where that came from! And that is why I am thinking of quitting this. Because some people (not just you Becky!) don't like it when I communicate how I feel in written (or typed word). I can see their point, I use the internet instead of my mouth to say how I feel. So maybe if I didn't have access to stuff like this I would be forced to TALK....

to blog or not to blog......

So...after having been a blogger for several months I am beginning to wonder what is the point? Does anyone really read my blogs? Do they even care? I read other people's blogs (hit and miss) and comment. But most of my comments stir up controversy. So...I'm wondering if it is worth it. I will make a decision in a few days about whether or not I should just cancel my blog account....

Chiropractor

Still seeing Dr Randy, still hate it! I don't like ANYONE messing with my spine. I am still going because he has been working on my knees and they are SOO much better. No such luck with my back. Of course being tense everytime he touches my back doesn't help.....